HIV awareness and education was the theme of today's training. We watched an incredible short video from the site-"La pasion por la vida." The sections that we focused on today were women living with HIV. The women they interviewed varied in their ages, family size, and stories. They all shared the fact that they were living with HIV. They shared their fears. They also relayed what inspired them and enlivened them to be actively involved in their communities and families. One of the women was a woman in transition, the other women were all heterosexual. Some of them had children, even grandchildren. They had all been living with HIV from between 3 to 20 years. The promotores were particularly interested in this series. There were a lot of questions about how HIV was contracted. There was concern as to whether or not it could be passed to children. Stories were shared by the promotores with respect to friends that they personally knew whom were living with HIV or AIDS. Another topic that was talked about was responsibility. Miguel, one of the founders of Colectivo 41 emphasized again and again to the youth that it was their responsibility, my responsibility, his responsibility to protect oneself. He articulated that blaming someone else for contracting a disease of any kind was not the way in which to accept one's situation. To paraphrase his words, "When ever you are in the throes of passion, pull out that condom!! It's not just the male's responsibility, it's not just the females. Always be prepared. Always be responsible." If you do not/if I am not- you are to blame/ I am to blame- you are at risk/ I am at risk. It struck me how difficult it is to be responsible. I know that might sound incredibly naive or just dumb but really, how many times have you or someone you know been in a position where it's REALLY DIFFICULT to put reason and logic before passion and everything that goes under that umbrella (and around..and above!) Still, there are such terrible and dire consequences. Although many of us know that wearing a condom prevents the spread of HIV and other diseases, from the little I have gathered via conversations with counselors and even the promotores, this knowledge is not obvious or known to many, as in thousands. I thought I had an idea about how many people were being diagnosed with HIV but when statistics(and these numbers were in Mexico alone) flashed before us on the screen today, I was genuinely taken aback by just how many people are being diagnosed here in Mexico with HIV... daily. And of course, as Miguel talked about, those are just the people that have access and resources and support to get tested. Miguel had brought up in the interview that we did last week, how some of hundreds of people in the rural communities had to travel for hours just to get to a city that had clinics. "What are these people supposed to do, when it takes 8 hours to get to Mexico city for example, and 8 hours to get back. Then factor in cost, returning for results...what are they supposed to do?" What do we do? I know what I wanted to do.... I wanted to run to the nearest panadería and shove five empañadas and galletes into my mouth. It was either that or start crying (which happened anyway, ha!) right then and there. Emotion is not really my friend right now though...I mean it's there and I respect that but...it will only serve me if it can somehow be generated into a constructive tunnel, turned into benevolent energy and then unleashed... calmly. By all of that, I mean executing an idea into a positive action. Hmmmmmm, let's just keep showing up everyone, yes?

An unexpected and incredible opportunity presented itself today. I was asked if I would like to join the promotores as they ventured into the rural communities to pass out condoms. Ummm, yes!! I had wanted to go out with them before but in truth, I was far too timid to ask. So here I was, graciously given the opportunity to accompany two other promotores on a walk to a colonia just outside of where CASA is located. At first, we walked along in shy silence. I was unsure if I should initiate a conversation for a few reasons, primarily because I was concerned that if I hopelessly involved them in a conversation I couldn't actually take part in, it would be even more awkward. Fortunately one of the promotores readily volunteered to engage me in dialogue. We discussed a range of topics, from immigration to the U.S., to prejudice, to the violence that was present in certain areas in which the promotores lived as well as the violence that is so prevalent in the United States. Although there were countless moments in which I had difficulty following along, I consciously attempted to forgo translating every word into my head as it was spoken and instead just tried to listen - a practice that I plan on doing a lot more of. These young people are fantastic. Knocking on doors and stopping people in the streets, they present themselves as promotores from CASA and sign people up to receive monthly supplies of prophylactics. They had warned me before we arrived at the colonia that there was a lot of poverty in this particular area. There were in fact houses that were constructed from cardboard. I'll make it really simple; it's hard to see, really hard. I also don't want to write about a situation that I don't understand and that would be coming from an outsiders point of view. It just doesn't seem right. It seems to come back to the work. It is my responsibility to work here... A LOT. I want to do the best I can, every day, all day. That's all most of us can do...yes? A promotore shared an extremely powerful story with me about a friend he had that had passed away. Out of respect for his privacy, I won't repeat it here but I was moved beyond the beyond that this kind young man would share his vulnerability with me. I found it difficult to refrain from saying, "Ohhh, thank you for this story!!! Can I make you a cake? Do you prefer cookies? Do you want to come over and we can make you dinner?" I did refrain...thank. goodness. I decided just to listen. Heart blown open wide for the moments we permit ourselves to connect with others. A very good night to all!

La lenguaje

This morning, while finishing the tepid yet delicious instant coffee from a mug with a picture of zebras frolicking about ( yes, I like instant coffee now...from necessity came appreciation) I kept revisiting all of the embarrasing ways in which I had communicated in the last 24 hours. "Oh I am not able my computer because it is in the red...I would be liking to be having in the exercises part, there are exercises because when I was when I was a young, when I was in my young, I liked it.." Oh and there's more but the point is, is while I was internally cringing, Maggie, one of the leaders of Colectivo 41, started explaining to the youth promotores that language, la lenguaje, was the most important way in which a movement in a group could define themselves and communicate their ideas, beliefs, and needs to the public. She brought up the role language has played in the Feminist movement, the Civil Rights movement, and the Zapatista movement. With that in mind, Maggie informed the group that we were going to learn and explore the language that is important to know in the movement for equal rights in the LGBTI youth community. We had created a matching game for the promotores to play in which they had to find a term and match it with the correct definition. From some of the reactions from the promotores there seemed to be a lot of confusion and genuine curiosity in regards to, for example, the definition of a transgender person or a person that was born with male and female genitalia. Before the exercise even started, Maggie brought up how every word has a story. She said the word "joto" which is a derogatory name in Spanish to describe a person that is gay. Quite of the few of the promotores, well, primarily the young men, turned various shades of red and pink and held their hands in front of their mouths as they gulped back laughter. I think they were surprised, as was I, that we would openly address hateful speech in our morning meeting. Maggie proceeded to tell the story behind the term "joto" (I recommend you look it up as it's very compelling) and explained how imperative it was to be informed about the history of words and whom in our society had the power to create and define words. I was hyper-aware of the reactions that were coming forth from the promotores in the room, as Maggie continued listing off offensive language that has been used towards people in the LGBTI community. I felt like it was going to be okay though, even if the subject material was delicate, by talking openly about stereotypes and ugly words we were working it out, right then. Although it could have been the amount of diet coke and gum I consumed today (shame) I continued to feel queasy when ever I remembered the power we have with words and the ways in which we communicate with one another. Going back to yesterday's idea of accountability, I was reminded of our utter lack of control when it comes to what others will say or yell, or whisper, or write, or cry. I am thankful for the concept that can be executed into action; take a moment, take a breath, take whatever we may need, so that we may be able to respond with integrity and compassion in our speech. Hey, may we all be able to learn how to do so in another language other than our native tongue! Espero que si y que vaya bien!

It's Monday evening here. The streets are very quiet apart from all of the dogs barking, of course. I'm actually getting used to it and find the variety of howls somewhat comforting. This morning in the auditorium, I stood close as the promotores took part in a very powerful exercise. They were each given a star, which came in 4 different colors. They were told to write the name of their best friend, a family member or animal they loved and trusted completely, their dream occupation, and their dreams of how happiness would manifest itself in their lives. They wrote each bit in the points that made up the star. As we stood in a circle, Maggie told them they all had to pretend they were a gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender person. There were a few shocked and embarrassed expressions but everyone stayed calm. Maggie and Miguel asked that we all treat one another with respect and to stand together in silence for the exercise. Maggie proceeded to name of hypothetical situations in which each person decided to "Salir del closet" or come out of the closet to a friend, a family member, a boss, etc. In some of the cases those that had certain colored stars were accepted and supported by all those that they chose to confide in. Other stars met with confusion from those they had come out to. One group of stars, the pink group, were completely rejected in all aspects of their life. The group with pink stars had torn off each point on their star as Maggie went down the list of rejections, until tiny pieces of rose colored paper was scattered at the feet of all the promotores. Their friends, family, and working community "had hypothetically" all expressed disgust. They were kicked out of their homes and cast out of their communities. These stars wound up committing suicide. When the exercise was finished their was a weight and a sadness in the room. Some expressed how badly they felt that so much rejection and ugly feelings could be put on another person just because they were gay. Others shared stories of experiences they had had, from a family member coming out and being accepted to people they knew that threatened to kill someone for being gay. I believe we all left feeling a little more responsible for our behavior in the world. Perhaps we are a little more aware of the daily battle for acceptance and equal rights. I was aware of how much I rely, to the deepest depths of my being and marrow in my bones, on my family and community of friends. As we ended the exercise, the promotores clapped, with a connection that was just starting to form amongst us all; accountability.

A lovely first week at CASA. Today was spent listening to a wonderful doctor address public health issues with the promotores. He discussed what health issues were common all over the world as well as the issues that are specific to Mexico. Diabetes is one of the most prevelant public health issues here in Mexico and the doctor expressed that much of the problem comes from the amount of soda that is consumed. The promotores asked questions regarding how heart attacks could be prevented as well the dangers of smoking cigarettes. There was some giggling and shared smiles when cigarettes were being discussed as a few of the promotores admitted to being smokers and were very interested in how it was affecting them. It was a fantastic learning experience for me in that I'm completely unfamiliar with discussing public health issues in Spanish so there were many new terms and I thought the subject matter was very compelling. Being a part of the promotore training has been invaluable. I worked on an activity after the doctors presentation for one of the next promotore trainings that will involve a game of terms and definitions. A card will contain a word, LGBTI, for example, and the definition next to it will be of a different term so the promotores will need to match them up. Again, learning a whole new set of terms and definitions in Spanish such as transgender, bisexual, and sexual orientation was superbien. My classes at PSU were primarily history and literature focused, so there wasn't a lot of discussion about public health or issues of sexuality and gender identity, unless it related to an author or movement of course. It's Friday and everyone is getting ready for their weekend. As I walked to a volunteer meeting at a woman's house (whom is helping to organize the Caminata contra la Violencia, Walk against Violence on January 24th in San Miguel) on Avenida Independencia, schoolchildren were trundling along with their parents, an ice cream cone or bottle of juice in hand, fiery sun overhead, and the smell of fresh tortillas around every corner I felt good. A strong, whole, round, pudgy, good.

Buenas Dias from San Miguel! Today...today I was part of a meeting in which one of the most difficult subjects people can discuss was discussed. That would be money; how to get it, who to get it from, how to bedazzle people into parting with their money...how to prove that one's cause was worth reaching for the checkbook and on and on. Talking about money and involvement in what one is giving their money to is also cause for tension. In the conversations today I heard people express how people that have money in the community want to feel connected to projects they are giving money to but it's not clear what form that connection will take. I heard that different proposals appeal to different economic classes of people. I heard that an entire programs proposal and significance should try and be captured in three words on a card in order to reach the most people. Now granted, all of the people at the meeting really do want to help. They do believe in this program. It's just hard to hear so many voices sometimes. Big, big, big sigh here. The complexity of receiving money for a cause is far too extensive to discuss here but it is something that the leaders of Colectivo 41 are deeply concerned with. YES, they need money. But where is that money coming from? Are strings or expectations attached to the "gift" or "donation." Is recognition expected? There is also the question of the source. What if this incredibly worthy program is offered money from a corporation that does not practice fair labor for example? Being a part of this experience has brought to light themes that I have only given cursory thought to most of the time. What I am meditating on right now is the work involved. I, as well as all those that have access to media, am used to seeing what a project looks like when it has achieved recognition in the public eye. If it's a documentary for example, the audience might witness all the struggles, compassion, frustration, --cue music and montages of faces that wrench one's gut--edited and captured into a 90 minute reel. After the film is over, one is possibly left feeling a sense of victory or resolution if a particular struggle has been overcome. There appears to be a begining and an end. That can seem comforting. I am now just beginning to realize what kind of effort it takes to build and sustain a project such as Colectivo 41. gritty. knotted. patience. hours. hours. days. years. LAUGHING. Worth every moment. This morning the promotores and leaders of Colectivo 41 and I watched Milk. It was the first time I had seen it and despite the fact that I knew the story and that it was dubbed in Spanish (making it a bit more difficult to understand) I was clenched in a ball holding back every tear by the end. The struggle for equal rights. It is every day and every moment. What I looked to for comfort at the end of a challenging day was this reality- there have always existed human beings, thousands upon thousands, that have fought for equal rights. As long as they are needed, they will be here. And yes, we just need to work right now.

Buenos Tardes from San Miguel. I...am...tired. As I can't seem to turn my mind off or even down to a lower level, sleep has not come easily. Fortunately, I can now experience how being in love with where one is and what one is doing can have the power of overcoming one's fatigue. This morning I attended a meeting for the "prometores" or youth counselors in the auditorium here at CASA. Migue and Maggy, the leaders of Colectiva 41 gave a presentation on the project. They discussed the significance behind it's name and then asked the group specific questions about their knowledge of issues regarding LGBT youth and people living with HIV. There were two pieces of poster paper on the wall and they proceeded to write down the thoughts of the students. Themes such as discrimination, stigma, police violence, struggle, fear, taboo, machismo, rejection, lack of information, and public health were all brought up. A question regarding the meaning of homophobia was asked, and skillfully answered by the leaders. I sensed a lot of curiosity and desire to learn on the part of the prometores. They were being educated about a subject that is considered taboo in much of the society and culture in Mexico and they all seemed incredibly open to asking questions. I also felt like I was going to bubble over with my own excitement regarding this incredible project and even though I couldn't understand 99% of the jokes that were exchanged between the prometores and the leaders, I laughed along like a great big nerd because I just wanted to be a part of it. There is A LOT of work to be done and being a part of the genesis phase is...ineffable. I was able to interview Maggy and Migue later, for an article that will appear in The Atencion, the paper for English readers in San Miguel. The leaders spoke of the need for this project, especially the funding. They also talked about what their own personal experiences were and why they were determined to fight for the equal rights of all those that face discrimination. Migue and Maggy are the type of people that will, little by little, help create the change that is so desperately needed on this planet. Why is there a limit as to whom one can love? Why does the freedom to love, to marry, to kiss, to make out with, to make love with, to dry hump, to hold hands with in public, to spoon bites of chocolate mousse over a restaurant table with... reserved for these people waiving over here and denied to these people waiving over there. I realize that these questions have been asked before, and that the reasons for resistance are complicated, but... I still believe this question must be continually put forth to those that resist the freedom to love who you love. Yes, it will take a lot of work to persevere even in the face of the extreme adversity that comes in all different forms. Whether it be homophobic and/or racist slurs or denial of services to one's spouse because their union is not recognized, there might always be a path obscured by obstacles. My admiration is reserved for those that know about and have experienced the obstacles...and continue, with all their heart, beautiful vulnerability, and strength of character.