Official date for first dance night!! Whooohooooo! February 15th, 8pm there will be dancing at CASA. The promotores, the counselors and coordinators and more will all come to raise money and dance for CASA. Names of some Dj's that will be present, get ready; Dj Jumper, Dj Panic, and Dj Cleopatra Mix!!! I'm really excited. I bought tickets for Ted and I even though there is another event that night for Colectivo 41 (cocktail party at someone's house)because I am ready to do some dancing. Today, I have officially lived in San Miguel de Allende, Mexico for a whole month. I have worked for CASA for a month. My feelings at this point are ineffable; too profoundly grateful to go into detail about. I just feel lucky that I have four months left (or more..hehehe) in order to continue forming closer relationships with the fantastic people I have met. This morning was the last promotore training. The doctor that had spoken to us a few weeks ago returned to address the group with answers to the questions the promotores had previously put to him. He said that almost all of the questions he had received in the "Bolsa Magica" or magic bag, were with regards to Cancer. So, he decided he would devote the entire morning's talk to Cancer. Ummmmm, never a super fun topic. Having directly experienced the loss of my father and so many other loved ones to various forms of cancer, it's not exactly the first thing I want to think about at 8:30 am. That being said, the concern that many of the youth counselors had surrounding the beast that is cancer was very moving. I'm really glad I was able to be there with them. Lots of question surrounding the ongoing mystery of what causes various forms of cancer. Concerns about lung cancer, prostate cancer, and breast cancer. The doctor was incredibly patient and kind. It can't be an easy thing to try and explain the complexities of cancer in an hour lecture but he managed to make an excellent go of it. Then the promotores went off to take their tests as I made my way to the office to write the beginning of many emails. I wrote to the five interns that CASA will accept for Summer 2013 to let them know they had been chosen. They don't even know, they can't possibly, qué maravilloso!

The funds

Thursdays...all about money. Every Thursday we have our meeting at Cafe Muro with the fundraising committee for Colectivo 41. It is made up of wonderful people from Mexico, the U.S., and Canada. One of the committee members also plays host. He is the owner of the cafe and his name is Gerardo. Gerardo is gracious beyond measure. I can only hope to learn the art of exquisite etiquette from him. We have coffee, tea, or hot chocolate and we discuss how to raise money, how to have events, and how to be a successful fundraising committee. Two of the reasons I love coming to the meetings are that I get to see Gerardo, and I get to have a real cup of coffee, as in - not instant!!! Oh for the love of all that's green and gold, how I love fresh coffee. One of the things I find to be very challenging about the meetings, is that by the end, I'm always uncertain as to whether anything has actually been accomplished. I can only imagine this happens in other work or group meetings? Espero que si!! My role is to record the minutes and to assist, in general, however I can with whatever I can. Everyone in the group is passionate about supporting Colectivo 41 and building a community for LGBTI youth. We are just struggling now with how to be a committee. How do we hold ourselves and others accountable? If you are part of a committee should you not also be a donor to the cause for which you are serving? If you have a friend of a cousin of a friend that might have a yacht that can be used, how do you go about securing that and not just talking about it. So, I am directly experiencing how funding manifests itself into action - working with peer counselors at CASA and seeing the resources and education they bring into the rural communities. I'm also involved in the ongoing hustle for funds. It's an interesting balance of energies. I'm grateful to be part of both. Is it more pleasant at times to be speaking Spanish with peer counselors and working on site at CASA rather than discussing money in English? YES, por supuesto! Still, I have realized lately how obtaining ongoing sources of funding can't be separated from building and sustaining a program. Not only that, it's really beneficial to learn about fundraising. Believe it or not, it can actually be fun. I liken it to a room of infinite and incredible boxes of puzzles. We are choosing which one we want to invest our time in. We know we need to work together. The results could be wonderful. And then...the results might evolve...into...puzzle number two. One of the coordinators and I were having a discussion on the way to the meeting. Fundraising is hard, planning and carrying out events is REALLY hard, having someone promise you money and then retract that promise is hard. What might be even more difficult to handle than all of that? Knowing that people's livelihoods and well being are at stake if we do nothing. I can only speak from the first person but I can't live with that. Even if I can only give $20 right now and volunteer time, I'm going to do it. I need not worry about what others choose. I'm the one that has to walk around with my koo-koo mind all day after all! So, in a toast to the world wide community of fundraisers all over the world, behind the scenes, behind the desks, on the phones, blinded by statistics, and forgetting to breathe. Thank you for working so hard to fund a project you believe in. Thank you for helping to create spaces and resources. Thank you for not giving up.

Atole de galleta my friends. This has become the new addiction. That and a small bag of jicama sprinkled with lime and chili salt in the afternoons. But atole de galleta, dear lord, it's so delicious. There is a woman and her daughter that come to CASA every morning and when we have a break from the promotore training, everyone goes outside to purchase tamales or sweet corn cakes and atole de galleta. It's about 50 cents in U.S. money for a cup. It is made from milk, condensed milk, cinnamon, and crumbled up cookies. What!!!!! It's too good, it's too good. This morning it was particularly enjoyable as I was able to speak as freely as I've been able to with some of the youth counselors. We had done an exercise earlier so that we might all actually learn each others names (there are many of us and even after three weeks I had a hard time with my memory). Maggie started it off by saying her name and then making an animal sound and the trick was as we continued to go around the circle we had to repeat the names of everyone and their unique animal sounds that came before us. Lucky me, I was the 4th to go but wow, for the last few! You can only imaging how difficult it was to get through everyone. I mean each person that had to repeat the elephant sound (chosen by Christian)... resulted in hysterical laughter. I don't know if it's because today was the day before the last training, or if it was the name game, but there was a wonderful new ease between myself and the promotores. Whilst sipping our sweet milk biscuit drinks outside, two counselors, Maru and Claudia let me know how to say certain expressions in Spanish that are AWESOME but that I of course can't repeat here. We concluded the day with what can be referred to as a "Gender Gummy." It was a drawing of a gummy bear, that had been divided into sections. Sex, gender identity, expression of gender, and sexual orientation. Everyone from the group was asked to go up and mark an X next to the areas in which they identified. If you were born as a female and identified as a female but dressed in a more androgynous way sometimes or perhaps you preferred dating people that were transgender, then you could mark your spots accordingly on, in, or around the gummy bear. The result: a lot of diversity. Maggie emphasized how all the labels on the gender gummy could change, daily. There still appears to be a lot of confusion in regards to the difference between sex, gender identity, and expression of gender. This is just new information and as Maggie and Miguel have said on many occasions, it will take time. We also talked again about homophobia, sexism, and racism. Maggie stated that every person in the room had thoughts that could be categorized in the aforementioned isms. "What do you think when you see an indigenous woman on the street with her hand out?" "What goes through your mind when you see a person who is trans?" "What about if you are a woman and you are walking down the street at night and you see a person of color, an African American person?" "Do you cross the street?" Yes. Everyone raised their hands at some point. Guilty as charged. We all are. It makes it all the more important knowing how much control we have over our own behavior. We might all have thoughts we do not want others to know. It's natural to have such thoughts. How much do we act on these thoughts? How many of our thoughts do we believe to be true? Personally, the danger for me is when I convince myself that my thoughts are justified and true and right! I could be thinking of any one person, group, philosophy, choice of fashion - you name it. I must keep reminding myself that my thoughts are just my thoughts. They are a manifestation of how I was brought up. They come from my experiences, my status in society, my education, and so much more. Our thoughts and prejudices and fears are real to us. They are real but does that make them the only reality, the only truth? I may love marshmallows but does that mean that every person that doesn't like marshmallows is evil or wrong. Hmmm, me thinks not!! Let's start with a name. If you have a moment, if you are purchasing a coffee from someone, if someone on the bus is staring at you, if you are trying to send a package at the post office, perhaps you could ask that person what there name is, and then introduce yourself. It's seemingly simple but so difficult to execute. It's a choice that could mean busting through the well-constructed walls of one's mind. It's a choice to engage when we so often want to believe our thoughts and our assumptions. Tomorrow I will learn the name of the woman who makes the atole de galleta...and her daughter. My name is Leila and my animal sound is BZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!

El poder

Poder - La habildad de controlar las circunstancias. Power, the ability to control the circumstances. The question and the discussion of the day - Who or whom has the power? Maggie conducted an experiment before we actually delved into the question. We were all divided into three groups. Each group was given a different amount and a different type of materials and told to create a logo for the Colectivo 41 project. I happened to be in the group that had the most materials. Thanks to one of the promotores whom is an artist, we created a colorful, finely executed logo. We returned to the circle, each group presented their logos, and Maggie decided that our group, Group 1, were the "winners." She then brought up the question, "Who had the power in this excersise?" A lively discussion followed as members from the other groups pointed out that they had very little material to work with and it made the ability to execute a creative idea much more difficult. It wasn't that we were not equal, it wasn't that we were not all capable of creativity, it was a matter of resources. From there, the conversation turned to lists. A list of people that had the power and a list of those that did not. The obvious? To be sure: the government/police/white people+gringos/rich people/men/the pope and priests/Catholic church/heterosexuals/bosses/narcos/pretty people. Those lacking: the people/the poor/women/employees and workers/LGBTI community/young people/indigenous people/people of color/ people with physical handicaps and deformities. Although we ran out of time before we could finish our discussion, I believe I will continue to meditate on these lists for quite awhile. I am thinking of all the many things we do not have control over - being born female, being born without hands, being born biologically as a female but identifying as a male, being born as a person of color. And of course, all the many things we have control over. All the decisions we are responsible for making every single second of every day. All the ways in which we may have contributed to the suffering or oppression of someone else. How I wish I could press a re-do button for some of my own actions. How many times I have made an assumption, and made a judgement, when I was ignorant of what was going one. At this time, I defer to a much wiser human than myself. In the words of Thich Nhat Hanh, "You are like a candle. Imagine you are sending light out all around you. All your words, thoughts and actions are going in many directions. If you say something kind, your kind words go in many directions, and you yourself go with them. We are ...transforming and continuing in a different form at every moment."

What would you do if...? Today, in promotore training, Miguel placed 4 large cards up in the auditorium in four different spots. Miguel then proceeded to ask a series of questions,for example,"Would you eat a gallon of lemon ice cream?" We then had to each decide what sign we wanted to stand under. Si, para mi/ Si para los demas which means yes for me and yes for anyone else. Yes for me, no for others-No for me but yes for others and the final- No for me and no for others. The questions became more intense within moments. "Would you have sex before marriage?" "Would you kiss someone of the same sex?" "Would you kiss someone of the same sex with an open mouth?" Would you sleep in the same bed with someone of the same sex?" "Would you sleep with someone in the same bed who had HIV?" "Would you have sex with someone that had HIV?" And there it was. We were all choosing sides. In but a moment, we let one another know exactly how we felt about some delicate topics by simply choosing where we stood. Miguel would then ask people from each group to explain why they chose the section they did. There was a lot of shyness and a lot of different reasons why someone did or did not believe that it was okay for people that are the same sex to make out. I managed to stay in the Yes for me and yes for anyone else side the whole time (apart from the lemon ice cream question that is). But. We all have different experiences. We all have different histories, cultures and god only knows, we all come from unique families. That being said, I understand why four other women and myself were the only ones standing under the sign that said "yes for myself and yes for others" when the question "Would you sleep with someone who had HIV?" was asked. I understand that for many in that room, there is a lot of fear. I also understand how even if one felt contrary wise, one wouldn't want to choose something they felt their peers would give them flack about later. It can be difficult to be true to yourself. I felt awkward. I was afraid of what people might say. The weird new intern who says she was a baker but made us oatmeal rocks... would SLEEP IN THE SAME BED WITH SOMEONE WHO HAD HIV!! But I knew why I was there. It took a moment, but only a moment to feel confident and comfortable with my choice. I know that if my partner had HIV I would continue to love him/her, sleep with him/her, support him/her, etc. I know that had I not had the support and love from my friends and family at some crucial points in my life, I might very well not be here today. Still, I understand why some of the promotores decided to scuttle to the side of the room that said "Not for me, not for anyone." We are complicated creatures and we need a lot more understanding than judgement when it comes to our stories. The rest of today, I have been distracted thinking of the welfare of a very dear friend who is in the midst of a difficult and long labor. We are sending well wishes and loving energy your way. We love you Chanin, we love you Kenny.

The walk

The fireworks started at 4am. As we made our way to the square in front of the Parroquia, the world was quiet and gentle and we could still see the stars. We walked up to the square behind folks that were descending from all of the different colonias, or neighborhoods. As we came into the square, we found ourselves amongst hundreds. A few groups were practicing for ceremonial dances that would kick off the walk. Faces were painted, giant drums were being practiced on, and the 4am mass was taking place in the Parroquia. Ted and I sat perched on the edge of a stone ledge in front of the grand iglesia. We weren't quite ready to join the CASA group as we wanted to take in everything that was going on around us. More fireworks! A little background on the walk. San Juan de los Lagos is the second largest pilgrimage site in Mexico. In the end of January and beginning of February, millions will walk from all over Mexico to the town of San Juan to visit the basilica where there is a legendary statue of the virgin. CASA joins the pilgrims for the first 7 kilometers of their journey, as a way of bringing awareness and raising money for their prevention against violence program. So here we were. Ted went in search of coffee. When he left, moments later a young boy and his step-uncle? (we actually never found out if that was correct) came over to where I was and the young guy plopped down right next to me. He started talking to me in Spanish. He asked me if I was from San Miguel and why I was walking. Ted returned and sat on the other side of me (with bread and a cup of sweet fruit tea), very curious as to what had transpired since he left! I asked the boy how old he was and what his name was. He said he was 13 years old and his name was Daniel. He asked me if the guy sitting next to me was my brother or my husband to which I replied husband, and then he said I was pretty, shyly, as he looked at his knees. I introduced him to Ted and then we continued talking although he spoke quietly and REALLY fast so I had difficulty understanding him. I gathered that he had come from Queretero with his step grandmother and aunt and maybe uncle. He was part of a church group that was participating in the 9 day trek, through the countryside, on foot. I asked him where his grandmother was and he said she was in the church taking mass. The fireworks started again, the people dressed in Native costumes starting dancing. The drums roared at the same time that the enormous bells of the parroquia started ringing.

Daniel asked us to go with him, adelante, in the walk. We were both confused but said okay, not knowing at all what we had signed up for. The pilgrims started filing out of the church, holding statues of the virgin and Jesus placed in glass boxes. They carried satin banners with the names of their churches, scripture, and saints. There was also a group of men, each carrying a very large crucifix resting on their shoulders. Daniel beckoned to us to follow him and he went up to a group of pilgrims that were from a church in Queretero and found his grandmother. He said something to her and then turned around and said, "Leila and Ted" and something about how we were joining them. She looked very taken aback but nodded and smiled and there it was. As we walked with them, I looked behind me at the the whereabouts of the CASA group but could not see them. "Oh well, I thought, I'll just find them later." In my mind, this invitation, completeley random and gracious could not be refused. A couple of lovely women kindly pointed out to Ted and I that we needed to fall into formation. There were two lines and I needed to be in one, and Ted in the other. We started out. Friends, family, people, never have I participated in anything like this walk. I have too many images and feelings to share from yesterday but some of them that stick out are: walking for the first two hours with the Queretaro church group. There are a group of people that follow along the side of the pilgrims with megaphones and small bibles. They sing scripture and songs and the pilgrims echo for the entire walk. We joined in, as much as we could. Hundreds of people were outside of their homes in anticipation of this event. They offered sweet tea, coffee, bottles of water, oranges, bread, sweet bread, cookies and long canes of sugar to be used as walking sticks. The generosity and support were overwhelming. We moved from the city into the country within an hour and still there were people that would join us as we went. At our first rest, Daniel (whom had kept an eye on us the entire time) pulled a large piece of plastic out of his bag and asked us to sit down. There were trucks set up all over the camp where hundreds of people were lining up for free food. Tortillas, rice, beans, and tortas filled with pork meat were handed out along with flavored water in plastic bags. We had brought along some snacks of our own and had gathered a lot of sweet bread along the way so we had a little feast. Daniel asked us why we weren't getting in line for the food so I said "Alright, I'll go for it, do you want anything?" He told me that he wasn't feeling well and he only wanted to drink from a little juice bottle he had. I walked to find food, leaving Daniel to strike up a hilarious conversation with Ted about marijuana and the U.S. and I ran into the CASA group. The promotores greeted me with hugs and smiles and everyone said they thought I had gotten lost! All of the northamerican people were heading back in the CASA van after this first part and Nina asked me if I wanted to continue on with the promotores (who were walking the whole distance, to the pilgrim camp) or to go back with them. I said we would continue. I went back to Daniel and Ted and relayed the info to Ted. We talked more with Daniel and I started to gather that Daniel was pretty lonely. He didn't join his grandmother or aunt for the rest, he seemed to articulate that they were just family because of a stepfather. I asked him about school and he told us he had dropped out of school after the 5th grade. He wanted to know if we had children, where we had come from, and what we were doing in San Miguel. When Ted told him how old we were he said we were as old as the mountains! As the firework went off, indicating to us that the walk would begin again, I made the tough decision to fall back and walk with the CASA group. I wanted to stay with Daniel, I know he wanted us to. I just felt that is was my responsibility to continue on in solidarity with the promotores. As we started walking, I fell back and Ted went up to Daniel to say good bye. He explained what we were doing and then they shook hands. I didn't want to say goodbye. For some reason, in the moment, I couldn't. It was a moment of weakness or call it what you will. I just couldn't. As we continued walking with the CASA group, there was much laughter and stumbling with the promotores. A few of them were decked out in butterfly wings that had statements on them and they were holding hands as we plowed through dust, rocks, bounty of cow and horse crap and a very rugged steep countryside.

I was exhausted and I was so happy. There was more rest, more food, more walking, cactus countryside pee stops, more people, more singing, more prayers, more food, more kool-aid, sun, and the comfort of the CASA van when I thought I would pass out. As we neared the end of the days walk, and drove towards the pilgrims camp to drop off food and items for the CASA group that were continuing to walk through the weekend, we passed the pilgrims in the car. I had been searching for Daniel during all of our stops and hadn't seen him. I wanted to thank him and hug him. I thought perhaps he had to stay and rest somewhere because he wasn't feeling well. But as we were making our way to the camp, there he was, his face in a sea of many, holding his sugar cane. Ted and I were in the trunk of the van (only space in the car and we got to ride with no seat belts!!) and spotted him from the back window. He saw us. I saw a huge grin come across his face. Ted and I started waving like maniacs, "Daniel, it's Daniel"!!!! He kept grinning, and started waving back. Thank you Daniel.

The wolf is always here...

An interesting day indeed. Last night I decided to make oatmeal raisin cookies for the promotores because...I wanted them? Ted wanted them? We were watching a movie this morning and I thought they'd go well? I made said cookies. Last night they were chunks of moist molasses butter deliciousness. This morning they had transformed themselves into small, dry, rocks. We had read that baking at high altitudes had this effect but I had no idea that these cookies would become lil bricks. I decided to bring them anyway and quickly looked up how to say "Would you like to try some cookies, they are a little hard, like rocks" before I ran out the door whilst spilling coffee all over my hand and bag. Those peer counselors. They were so kind. One of them even asked me for a second. I heard a little giggling as they managed to crack the outer oatmeal stones with their teeth. One of the young men and I had an exchange about the fact that we were both bakers. I told him I also did cake decorating, "Yo era una decoradora de tortas hace seis anos." He looked at me a little strangely but smiled and then we all had to move chairs into a different building to watch a movie. It wasn't until later that morning that Karen, the wonderful graphic designer I sit next to in the office told me in Spanish, "Oh I know it's tricky because there are different words for things in different regions and torta is actually cake in Spain but in Mexico, torta is sandwich." I actually couldn't stop laughing. I (explicative) love that I mess up so so so much every day and people are just gracious about it!! On that note, I have experienced being around a large number of the retiree/ex-pat community that live here in San Miguel. It's difficult for me to understand why so many of them insist on speaking in English to Spanish speakers. Now, I was given excellent advice before I left the U.S. with regards to this blog. "Don't treat it like a journal, if you want to vent put it in a diary, use your blog to inform people about the WORK you are doing"(thank you Giustina). With this in mind, I have chosen not to vent on many occasions in regards to the aforementioned issue(that would be the large English speaking population here) and I will continue to respect that advice. It is an epic challenge, but it can be done! I have also been learning how choosing to feed the "wolf" of anger (even if the anger "seems" justified) is not only self- destructive, it gets in the way of the positive energy that is needed in order to connect well with others. Moving forward, Ted and I participated in a presentation at the theater in one of the public libraries here today. It was a sendoff event for the "Caminta contra la violencia" that's happening tomorrow starting at 5am. That's right, 5 am. A group of us read statistics, in Spanish and English, regarding the violence that is committed towards women in Mexico. The audience sat through a couple of short films, one from Italy, and another from Sweden, that contained domestic violence themes. Tomorrow we walk. Along with a group of hundreds, we will start at 5am in the garden by the beautiful Parroquioa. The walk is actually the beginning of a Catholic pilgrimage that happens every year, but CASA takes part in the first leg of the journey. I have heard people from the community hand out coffee to those that are walking. I was also told not to take it, that the water that was used wasn't bottled water. I've decided to take it anyway. smile. Thank you for joining!